They Once Were Lost and Still They're Lost

Isn't it amazing how God unites two people in marriage who are so incredibly opposite?

Isn't it?

Isn't it amazing?

The King goes on a yearly excursion to Colorado with a group of his buddies. They ski...oh, pardon me...they snowboard. (It must be a status thing. He's pretty adamant that I remember it is snowboarding.)

Anyway, think Man Camp On Ice.

He will be leaving tomorrow evening. Which began as he would be leaving Thursday morning. But, if you are going to leave Thursday morning you might as well leave Wednesday evening. And if you are going to leave Wednesday evening you might as well leave Wednesday morning. And if you are going to leave Wednesday morning you might as well leave Tuesday evening.

And then somebody's wife must've given somebody the look.

I would imagine.

Because it stopped with the Tuesday evening.

So. Yesterday afternoon The King decided it would be a good idea to gather his snowboarding gear. Which has been sitting in the same spot in his closet following the scouring from his last trip.

Well, his pants are missing. Gone. Missing in Action. Not Present. AWOL.

But the straps? They're there. With nothing on the end. (And that is the part that is throwing him off. So he says.)

If that had been my situation, I would have looked in every reasonable place that I could think of, and then I would have dashed to the sporting goods store to find another pair.

Of course, I would have possibly gone through my things before yesterday.

However. This is where we get to that opposite thing.

Oh. My. Word. We searched. And then we searched. And then, guess what? We searched some more. We looked in the attic. And my closet. And The Princess' closet. And the guest closet. And the laundry room cabinets. And the bathroom cabinets. And the linen closet. And the pantry. And the coat closet. And his desk. And EVERY STINKIN' PLACE IN OUR HOME. Twice.

And then he looked through them all again.

So then I suggested that we look in the garage.

His response? "Why would they be there?"

Of course he was right. The chances are much higher that they would be in the pantry.

So then he blamed the cleaners. We didn't send his pants to the cleaners. But he had a vision of them wrapped in plastic.

And then he sat at the kitchen table and said, "Well. Let's go look for them again."

NOOOOOOOO!

I sweetly suggested that he rush to the store to purchase a new pair.

"But they are here."

I can clearly see that we are not making a lot of progress in the acceptance of the situation category.

So he sits down with a phone book to call the sporting goods store.

Sidebar: The King's phonebook skills are worthy of their own post. Pure comedy.

He can't find the number.

Sidebar: That is how truly sadistic I am. I knew he couldn't find it, but I let him look because I needed a chuckle after enduring the 17 searches. And he deserved it after that garage comment.

Come to find out, he's in the wrong city. And so he decides that the "people" who "write" the phonebook are crazy. Because why wouldn't you just put all the numbers in there without dividing them by city?

I can clearly see that we are not making a lot of progress with the phonebook situation.

Would you like me to get to the point?

So The King asks the poor salesgirl (whom I prayed for as the phone rang) if they had ski (what? not snowboard?) pants. And if they did, what kind? And what size? And how they are sized?

And then...bless his sweet, sweet heart...he asked me if I'd like to go with him to the sporting goods store.

The Princess chimed in from the other room, "Please, Mom...NO!!"

Just to be mean, I almost said, "I think I'll stay here and look for your pants." But believe you me, I've got more sense than that. We would've started this whole thing over.

So he went to the store and came back with new pants and all has returned to normal.

Sidebar:  The King said that he found the coolest coat at the sporting goods store and he almost bought it.  Because, you know, replacing something is different if you want it...if you didn't lose it.  (His reasoning, not mine.)

And really, don't judge me for my evil ways.

Because while he was gone to the store, I hid his gloves...

chutzpah

I've mentioned that The King has his hard working little hands in many baskets.

Well, one of his gigs is the business of washing cars.

Tuesday morning at 6 AM-ish (not to be confused with Amish..:) some moron or group of morons took a sledgehammer to 2 of his car washes.

That makes for a happy Tuesday at The Palace.

And it begs the question...Who does that?

Who decides to carry a sledgehammer to a business and whack.

And...


...if people who are driving by (and the camera shows that people were clearly driving by) happen to see someone smashing things with a sledgehammer...does it not raise some level of concern?

Especially when the individual wielding the sledgehammer is in a hoodie with a ski mask?

I'm just sayin'.

Royal Mandate

I'm sorry for the second post in, like, an hour, but important matters override blogging wisdom.

The King has an issue.

He has lost his mind and is considering purchasing the new as-yet-untested-or-reviewed Apple MacBook Air.

He's, of course, never had an Apple. But he is "fed up with all these stupid error messages and freakin' viruses".

Thus sayeth The King.

My hope is that maybe some of you (or one of you?) has switched to Mac and can tell me (who will sweetly tell him) if it is a good idea. To completely switch your systems in the middle of your end of the year reports.

Thank you for your time.

The King and I

Due to the most fabulous Christmas Open House known to mankind, I had other blogging obligations yesterday. However, I cannot let another day go by without telling The King how thankful I am for the past 13 years.

Yesterday we celebrated our 13th anniversary. In some ways it seems like 46 years and in other ways it seems like we were just married. I am so blessed to be his wife.

Our marriage is certainly not without its yuck, but I can truly say that I don't remember a time that The King has ever raised his voice at me. He has treated me with such kindness and respect every single day.

Except for the day he bought his motorcycle. But that is another story for another blog.

You know how in most marriages there is one levelheaded, rational person and one whose emotional day looks like the world's craziest roller coaster? Well, no one has ever accused me of being rational. That's all I'm sayin'.

The level of sarcasm that The King must deal with on a daily basis would send most men over the edge. Not him. Though, I think his tendancy toward being VERY literal has something to do with that. He doesn't always get me. Ok, honestly, he very rarely gets me. Which is probably good.

He is such a hard worker. He is a wonderful provider. He is an incredible father. Most importantly, he is the man that God intended for me.

He told me that he would marry me on our very first date. Had I realized his issues with telling only factual, unembellished information, I would have bought a dress the next day. (Except for I was dating his roommate.)

We began dating when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore at the University of Arkansas. We went to the same high school, but we were just friends. Well, we dabbled in dating a bit but he broke up with me the week of the state championship football game. And went out with another girl the same night. And he bought her a blue suede jacket for Christmas. But I'm over it. Really. I am.

We had been dating for about 2 years when he proposed. At a rest stop. On the side of the interstate. Isn't that what all girls dream about?

The proposal story is really funny as is the wedding night story (word to the wise: be aware of your new husband's allergies before setting off for your honeymoon)...but I'll save those for another day.


To my sweet husband - Thank you for 13 fantastic years.


And Happy Anniversary yesterday.

Oh No You Didn't

Before I begin, let's think back to hunting season...


You may recall that The King's Man Camp is loaded. We joked and laughed about their wireless internet and dishwasher. Well guess what? They now have a washer and dryer. For real.


I find it ironic that The King only changed clothes once in 5 days, yet feels the need to be able to wash and dry his bed sheets.


The best news that I've been given about the upgrades to Man Camp is this...

This fine piece of motor vehicle is The King's new hunting ride. He is so excited because it has a heater. Nothing says roughing it like climate control.


If you really want to see something nice, check out its back view...

Wow.

You'll notice that the back has been cut out. I'm certain that will help the efficiency of the heater.

The King thinks he needs to add a stereo.

That should double its value.

The Red Loveseat Had a Great Fall

I've been waiting for the happy ending.


The Palace has been in need...ok, in want of a new couch and loveseat. Ours is 8 years old and has endured a growing child and cats. The occassional puking cats. Sorry. You just need to have all the particulars.


The King has finally given the decree that I can purchase the furniture. The only stipulation is that I need to sell both gently used pieces to compensate for one of the new pieces.


The new couch is chosen. Two chairs are selected to replace the loveseat. Deposit is paid. Furniture is ordered. Four to six weeks of patience begins. Oh, and I need to sell that stuff.


I find a buyer. She wants both items. I have followed The King's orders. Good for me.


So, The King offers...ok, I make The King deliver the pieces less than a mile to the buyer. He is provided with two strapping young high school football players. (They even say, "No, Sir" and things like that.) They hoist the couch into the back of The King's truck. Then, in an act of complete lunacy, The King begins to lift the loveseat into the truck to place on top of the couch.


What? Has he lost his royal mind? Even the strapping young men politely question his methods. He, of course, has a gadget that he says will hold it all together. He places the loveseat upside down and on top of the couch. Then he uses these man-gadget-strap-things to cinch it down.


I asked him not to act so quickly. I did. I asked. I begged he reconsider this maddening technique. I did. I begged.


To no avail. They loaded and off they went. Less than one mile away.


The King returns home without the strapping young men. He hands me a check for...what? Half my proceeds? What?


I ask The King where the remaining portion of my earnings might be.


He dumped the loveseat in the middle of the road. Yep. Turned a corner and off it went. Flew out of the truck. In. The. Road.


I'm not certain, but I am pretty sure that the strapping young men were devastated.


I quickly point out that I cannot be held responsible for remuneration. I don't have a job. I have already ordered the new stuff. I asked him to not strap. I begged, if you recall.


To his credit, The King said it was ok. (Well, yeah. He dumped it.)


I have inappropriately brought the episode to his attention, oh, 67 times give or take. Today, however, I am ready to leave the past where it belongs...


The new furniture has arrived!!


The King will be going, um, to pick it up later today...

The Land of Man Camp

The King and the male offspring of his family have a ritual on the first weekend of the hunting season. Let me correct myself...the male offspring plus Grandma.

They participate in Man Camp. They, of course, refer to it as Deer Camp. (I can truthfully call it Man Camp because Grandma goes home at night to sleep in her own bed. Smart lady.)

Man Camp appears to be a lot of eating, card-playing and story-telling. Without bathing. When The King returned home Monday night, he put one pair of pants, one pair of underroos, one pair of socks and one shirt in the laundry. He'd been gone since Friday morning. My mind can only stray so far. I tell myself he went to a laundromat while the others were gambling.

To quantify the amount of food consumed by these hunters, I can only give you this example. The King was responsible for breakfast foods. For 3 mornings. He spent $180 AT ALDI. (For those of you unfamiliar with Aldi, it would be comparable to spending $427 at the supermarket.)

Isn't there something slightly ironic about hunters taking out a mortgage for groceries?

I inquired as to how many deer were executed. None. Not one. Nada. No deer. On the one hand, I am thankful. I pray the deer run. On the other hand, WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

I know for a fact that The King held a gun. The silly thing recoiled and put a gash right between his eyes. Or maybe he ran into a door in the middle of the night when he was going to the bathroom and the gun story is a little more macho. Let's go with the gun.

It has been brought to my attention that Man Camp has added satellite tv this year. I would hate for the hunters to go without watching SportsCenter for a few nights. Also, they've added a DISHWASHER and WIRELESS INTERNET. I thought installing the central heat and air last year was nice. For men, these are the most luxurious accomodations in a 4 state radius.

Let's get back to Grandma. A few years ago Grandma motored around on a really nice four-wheeler. Two years ago she upgraded to a Rhino. This year...a pimped out Geo Tracker is her ride of choice.

The lady knows how to hunt.

I started thinking what might Girl Camp look like...let's dream for a moment, shall we? We might even convince Grandma to join us!!